I can’t breathe.
I can’t breathe.
If we could just
touching each other
pay attention for
five minutes, we’d
realize everything we
were actually missing, and why
things tend to
hurt so much.
Text message. World ending.
I don’t sleep. I get coffee and drink.
I walk around the park in the dark. I talk to Rob on the phone.
I get coffee again. I sit in the park and the sun rises. I eat part of a croissant, but I start to feel like I’m going to be sick.
I walk over to Dupree and talk to Max and Jack. Rob comes home. Max takes a nap. Jack leaves. When he comes back, he has cupcakes. I eat one. The sick feeling comes back.
I lost all feeling somewhere in the middle of a Wednesday. It comes back sometimes. When it does, I feel alive, because it feels like I’m slowly dying. I guess I am. I guess we all are. I don’t like Wednesdays.
Can I change this later?
no you cannot.
I do that, too.
Life is perpetual disappointment. So I laugh, definitely far too often. I laugh because what the fuck else is there to do? Cry? I do that, too. No one knows me. I’m a facial expression that’s a little too predetermined, a t-shirt that’s a little too big, and a laugh that’s a little too loud. I string words together in a certain order, to distract others and myself from the fact that I have nothing of value to say. I have no great contribution. When it’s 4:13 am and I’m being my honest-to-god, truest self, I can fully acknowledge that I have no real substance. I just have a way with words, an abundance of self-resentment, and a grief whose weight is so heavy on my chest that I often lose the ability to breathe. That’s all I am. So that is when I cry.
I feel too young for life
because life is just a very prolonged death
and I know I’m too young for death.
I Really Would
I wish I knew the number of breaths I had left
so I could divide them in two
and give half of them to you.
Noël and I
We can leave in the middle of the night,
when it is least expected.
We’ll go to the mountains, and we’ll stay there, and let the world forget about us, so maybe we can forget about it.